4 Techniques for Working With Families Or Couples in Therapy
Imagine transforming the way families and couples connect in therapy with expert techniques that make a tangible difference. Insights from a Practice Owner & Therapist and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist provide the foundation for this exploration. The journey begins with recognizing and breaking the cycle of negative patterns and culminates in Satir's sculpting exercise, with a total of four expert insights to guide you. Discover the nuanced approaches that can redefine relational dynamics and promote healing.
- Recognize and Break the Cycle
- Focus on Communication Process
- Use Circular Questioning
- Use Satir's Sculpting Exercise
Recognize and Break the Cycle
One technique I use in therapy is called "the more, the more." It explains how couples can get stuck in cycles that leave both people feeling unseen.
Here's how it works: when one partner withdraws or shuts down (the more), the other partner often feels ignored and responds by getting louder or more demanding (the more). This cycle can quickly escalate, leaving both partners feeling frustrated and disconnected, without either person feeling truly heard.
For example, if one person feels hurt and withdraws, the other may react by raising their voice or trying to get attention, hoping to be seen. But this usually causes the first person to pull back even more, creating a loop of disconnection.
The key is recognizing this pattern and shifting how we respond. Instead of shutting down or getting louder, we can learn to express our feelings more openly. When we share our emotions vulnerably, it invites the other person to listen and connect, breaking the cycle and fostering deeper understanding. The more we open up, the more we create a space for emotional closeness and connection.
Focus on Communication Process
One technique I use both inside my head and explicitly with the couple or family I'm working with is to distinguish between process and content. Many of the struggles couples and families get caught up in are related to content and it becomes a battle of who's right versus who's wrong. More important than the content, however, is the process. Understanding the way in which people are communicating helps you get to the root of the problem, not just deal with the symptoms of the problem. So, I'm constantly seeking to identify the precise process of communication. Once I do, I will often then point this out in session to bring awareness to the process. Our focus in therapy becomes helping them find a healthier process, rather than resolving a particular piece of content. This empowers them to resolve any issue that arises in the future in a healthier way, rather than having to rely on a therapist to resolve matters for them.
Use Circular Questioning
When working with families and couples in therapy, I always emphasize establishing a space where everyone's perspective is heard and validated while deeper patterns that shape their interactions emerge. One of my most effective techniques is circular questioning, in which family members understand how behaviors and emotions interconnect.
This method includes questions that encourage each person to look at the situation from another's point of view. What makes this technique powerful is its ability to reveal how each person's actions influence and are influenced by others in the system. As the family members begin to see their relationships not as isolated actions and reactions, but as a dance connected with others, they often gain new insights into their patterns of interaction. This can present new avenues for more compassionate and effective communication.
This not only means that moments of conflict can be opportunities for deeper connection rather than sources of division, but it also means that families and couples can turn challenging interactions into chances for growth and mutual understanding by practicing how to step back and consider multiple perspectives.
Use Satir's Sculpting Exercise
I use Virginia Satir's sculpting exercise. I take pictures of them of where they are/feel today and where they would like to be at the end of our work together. I believe that when people have their own physical/somatic experience of where they are, compared to where they are working to, this implants the commitment to the work in a deeper way. I then send the photos for them to reflect on and to remind themselves why they are doing this work. Couples appreciate this simplistic approach.
